How easily you forget...

Here I am..only six months pregnant and lately I have found myself complaining..
I have been exhausted, so I constantly wish for more sleep...I find it difficult to find clothing that suits me, my growing body, and pieces that I like..I find myself frustrated most mornings...my legs and feet are killing me by mid-afternnon and I find myself wishing I did not have so many obligations to fulfill...I can go on and on..and yet this morning I woke up remembering where I was a year ago...

As I was brushing my teeth, I observed hanging on my mirror my Marc Jacobs "I love you" necklace. I had purchased this necklace last year in memory of my "Ten". It was at this moment I remembered where I was a year ago today..I was in the hospital grieving and wishing I could be with Olyvia on her birthday.

I find it odd how easily I have forgotten the feeling of "loss" and the sadness that broke my heart through every "disappointment". I forgot how many prayers were sent up to Heaven wishing for Emsley and praying she would be O.K.

I am embarrassed now to admit that I wish I could sleep a few more hours, or wishing I had more time for myself..I forget that for three long years I waited for my sweet "Olyvia"...

Though a tuff road I have walked, God has blessed me with more then I have prayed for. The gift of life in two amazing ways, the joy of motherhood, a "friend" for a husband and a life I never thought I would have. My complaints I am sure will never fully go away, but I hope that before I speak in any negative manner, I stop and think what I have lost and remember what I have gained.

And so it begins...

And so it begins, a little bit of everything all at once.

I am exhausted, not tired..exhausted..As any women in my shoes feels, caring for two small children and almost six months pregnant while working, well...this can really take alot out of you. There are nights when I literally cannot lift my arms or get myself to the bedroom. Where I land is where I remain for the evening..A few minor ailments have also surfaced. For one, my legs and feet go numb regurarly. If I sit too long, if I am on my feet too long, if I cross my legs, no matter what position I am in a tingling sensation comes first followed by pins and needles all the way down to my feet...Every step is also a little more painful as the baby is sitting very low. With all of this, I think back to the day we found out I was expecting, the first time I saw my baby, and the daily ritual of listening to such a sweet heartbeat..

I smile.

To keep me motivated I shop..I have already purchased the bedding, diaper stacker, mobile and pillows...you can take a peek here:
I envisison painting the top half of the walls a greyish blue and the bottom half a brown...Oh, I cannot wait to begin the nursery! I have also bought sleepers, blankets, his coming home outfit and a few odds and ends...shopping for a baby boy isn't that bad at all...

So it begins...the pregnancy aches and pains...the joy of the first purchases...and the never ending ache in my heart to hold this precious baby....

Two girls and a BOY!

Overjoyed! Thrilled! Nervous!

For the last several weeks I have found it difficult to write. My feelings and anxieties have been all over the place. I found my mind so blocked that I simply could not find the words to write. As you can tell from my blogs their has never been a time I could not find the words to express my feelings, especially when it comes to my children. However, I suspect "fear" was overpowering my sense of "trust" and "faith"...

Today all of this disappeared.

I kindly informed the Ultrasound Tech, who had read my medical history beforehand and was very sympathectic, that I could not look at the screen until she gave me the O.K..I needed to know this little person I have fell in love with was still my "little person". I needed to know when she saw the pulsing beat of a heart...

............."And there is the heartbeat Jennifer".....

Tears of relief..happiness...

The brain...perfect, the heart...perfect, the hands, feet, lips and ears, perfect! And then at a an angle looking up from the baby's bottom...A scrotum and a penis!!

IT"S A BOY!

At this very moment Jim fell apart, and his overly evident emotions made me aware of how this one question that has been lingering in our minds, boy or girl, was weighing on him so deeply...I gave him a kiss, and together we sobbed..

Our family is complete...

I wish I could explain....

Timing...

Many have now found out that I am expecting again. For months I have tried to hide my growing "bump", but their is no more hiding...Just this past week I have had the questions.."I thought you could never get pregnant".. "Aren't you nervous after all you have been through".."Why would you put yourself through this again"... I never know how to respond to this...

What I can tell you is what I have learned and what I believe.

Timing.

After three fertility specialists, three of the same diagnosis, getting pregnant was not an option for Jim and I. My diagnosis was not the easy to fix, ovulation matters, or follicle growth. Our result was more serious, and the chances we were given were 1 in a million. We were told we had two options, donor or adoption. For a little while my sister Carla considered assisting us, but I think for all of us this may have been a little hard...In the end we chose adoption.
Before our decision, and even after we suffered many losses. I think I have become much more stronger from all of this, that or one day this will all surface for me. I hope I grew stronger and learned how to "deal" with the heartache, it actually became almost normal...Strange.

What I believe now is that fate is in the hands of God, and really it angers me that I was told "Never" and it saddens me that millions of other women will be told the same thing. There is no such thing as never, I am living proof..Our lives are in the hands of God, and when we are meant to have children we will, and if we are never meant to have children, we will not..This decision cannot come from Science, it only comes from faith, and believing that someone "higher" has your best interest in hand..Your prayers will be heard, when it is your TIME...

I cannot explain Emma, or this miracle in my belly...I can only thank God for giving me this opportunity..I no longer look back and search for the answers I so desperately tried to find...In the end, all of my prayers were answered.... it just took a few heartaches to get here...

I wish I could explain it better...for now, this will have to do in answer to all of those questions I have been asked...

Prayer, Faith and Timing...

I felt the baby!!

On Friday September 4th I thought I felt the first little movements of the baby...Ever since, I have felt the flutters of my baby often...There is nothing about pregnancy that can beat feeling the first movements of life inside you!

This is so real!!

So far so good...

Wow..At this point in my pregnancy with Emma I was already placed on bed rest. I am really enjoying this pregnancy...what a surprise!! We told the girls that there is a baby in Mommy's belly and now Emma and Livy give my belly kisses and tickles throughout the day!! So cute!! One of the big highlights of this pregnancy I am enjoying most is my clothing!! Again, with Emma I was mostly in sweatpants and sweatshirts. Shopping for my new wardrobe has been very exciting and I love wearing fitted shirts that show off my baby bump...

I have had no intuitions on the sex of this baby...but we have decided to find out the sex...Only a few more weeks until this is revealed..O-M-G!!

Cravings? None...

Eating!

That is right..finally I can eat!!

It was not to long ago where everything seemed to make me sick, even water...The last few days I have been enjoying my food...I never knew food tasted so good!! Crazy? No, I think I am just appreciating every bite of every food and actually loving it!!! It is a nice feeling as my pregnancy with Emma was so hard on me, and right now I am loving being pregnant!

I took a nice long walk with the girls yesterday and even made a stop at Starbucks and the park!! My belly is finally a "baby bump" and no longer looks as if I have just eaten to many cheeseburgers!! I am still in my pre-pregnancy pants, but my shirts, yeah-not so much!

So far so good..

This is nice...