Bitter sweet

7 weeks.

I had my ultrasound yesterday.I was nervous, Jim was nervous. Here we go again...As the warm gel was placed over my belly Jim took my hand, and together we watched...and quietly I prayed. At first I lay there holding my breath until I saw the placenta, and FINALLY, I saw a twitter.."There is the heartbeat", the tech expalined..Agh.relief..The baby also measured perfectly, easing my mind at least for today.

After, we met with the maternal fetal specialist and together we went over my history, disecting every detail, and not leaving one rock unturned. We were given many different scenerios, but were told at this point, prayer...all we have is prayer. I will be monitored closely with more detailed ultrasounds coming up. An entire blood workup was ordered, including a genetic test that Jim also had to take. Now, we wait..and pray.

We were also told the results of the biopsy from #10. I had never seeked out the reason, as I guess I just never wanted to know. Today, I had no choice, she told me without warning, downs syndrome...the baby had downs syndrome. A miscarriage ending due to DS is very common and results 1 out of every 10 miscarriages in the U.S., with my history and number of pregnancies, I was told statistically it does not come as a surprise. So. what about this baby...This does not raise my chances at all of this baby having DS, however it raises concern, so we will undertake testing for DS in the coming weeks...

I am relieved to hear an expalnation for my loss, sad? Of course.

Overall, this appointment was bittersweet...

Trying not to, but....

I keep looking back. Bad move I know, and as much as I try to think happy thoughts, my mind immediately goes to the past....With my upcoming ultrasound, my nights have been restless and I find myself trying to predict the outcome. Will I look at the screen? Do I look at the screen? Do I go, should I reschedule?? As most of you know, the last time I eagerly went for an ultrasound, my heart was broken...At 13 1/2 weeks, Jim and I went for our third ultrasound during my 10th pregnancy, and it is then we witnessed a lifeless soul...A tiny heart that for some reason stopped beating. This image is one that has yet to leave my memory, and somehow I must get through Mondays ultrasound. I am trying to convinve myself that this is a new hospital, new nurses, new doctors and a new ultrasound technician...A clean slate, a fresh start. However...nothing is helping.

This pregnancy has come as a big surprise, and truthfully, the pain in my heart from my previous miscarriages have not healed. I have been soul searching for almost a year on decisions leading up to this. I always questioned myself on whether I wanted another baby, or if I wanted to adopt...if I was done having children, and content with God blessing me with two wonderful little girls. Deep down, I always knew, I wanted one more...

Three days to go....

Six weeks

FRANTIC.

Today I am six weeks pregnant and I could not be more nervous. My first ultrasound is not until Monday, so given my history..I am a wreck...I tell myself over and over that the fate of this child is in the hands of God, and I must have faith that he is watching over this tiny soul. Still, I find myself nervous most of the time...

I have not really begun to get nautious yet, a little dizzy is all...Again, this worries me as morning sickness is such a great sign that all is well with the pregnancy. Still, I am very early andmorning sickness tends to hit around 6-7 weeks...

I feel sorry for Livy and Emma as my energy levels have been so low. I feel as if I am not playing with them as much as I was a few weeks ago, and this heat is just killing me...This too will pass....

5 weeks

35 weeks to go...

My nerves are only getting worse as every day passes. The only comforting news has been that my HCG levels have tripled! (46-126-900) As any woman who has had trouble conceiving knows, HCG levels need to double every 48 hours. As exciting as this is, I cannot forget the past and the problems I encountered...Each pregnancy I have had my HCG levels were going strong this early on. My last pregnancy ended last October at 14 weeks...That day is still so vivid in my memory. Prayer...at this point, all I have is prayer.

I go every two days to have my blood taken. Yesterday I had my first OB appointment. This appointment did nothing more then reassure me that I would be monitored very closely and to confirm, that at this early stage the pregnancy was thriving. I have appointments with a Perinatologist at Northwestern Hospital the 29th (my first ultrasound) and the 30th of June. Luckily I was accepted into their "High Risk" group and will begin seeing them throughout this pregnancy. This group is said to be the BEST in the Midwest, so I can only hope they will be able to see me through a helathy pregnancy and ultimately deliver a healthy baby...

Today began the first day of nausea, and of course I am exhausted. I welcome the nausea do not get me wrong, as this is my indicator that all is well in my belly!! I could go without the exhaustion, as Olyvia and Emsley have packed days throughout the summer...To read more about the Big Sister's, please click here, http://therylefamily.blogspot.com/

Shocked! Surprised! Nervous! Scared!

February 14th, 2010.

The above date is an estimate of when I am due to give birth to our unborn child. I guess I have known for a few days. This is pregnancy #11, and well, I have come to know my body quite well. The news is shocking, and I cried. I cried and cried. I was scheduled to have gallbladder surgery next week and at my post-op appointment this afternoon, a "+" pregnancy test changed everything. Silence. I heard nothing after I heard "Positive"....

I guess I have mixed emotions right now. My fear is overwhelming. Every disappointment I had in the past is is rushing back instantly, and I am scared. I am really scared. I desperatley want to smile, scream out in joy, thank God for this blessing, but I am hesitant....I am so incredibly scared.

June 6th, 2007..the day that changed my life forever. We were able to see a picture of Olyvia for the very first time, it was also the morning we found out I was pregnant with Emsley...Now, June 11th, 2009...I am pregnant with their sibling with a birthdate so close to Emsley's...Yes, this baby is due the SAME day Emsley was due...Valentines Day!!!Fate? Oh..here I go again, looking for signs, hoping, wondering..all of those emotions that go with my roller coaster ride.

Baby steps..One tiny step at a time...I have to have faith that God will see me through this pregnancy, and watch over this precious baby... Prayer..I need lots of prayers...

Today will begin my memoir on "Expecting the Unexpected"....I will journal every ache and pain..I will whole heartedly express my fears, concerns, hopes and desires...I will journal every step this pregnancy takes me, and pray that in the end I can show off my final miracle baby....

Please Lord...