Trying not to, but....

I keep looking back. Bad move I know, and as much as I try to think happy thoughts, my mind immediately goes to the past....With my upcoming ultrasound, my nights have been restless and I find myself trying to predict the outcome. Will I look at the screen? Do I look at the screen? Do I go, should I reschedule?? As most of you know, the last time I eagerly went for an ultrasound, my heart was broken...At 13 1/2 weeks, Jim and I went for our third ultrasound during my 10th pregnancy, and it is then we witnessed a lifeless soul...A tiny heart that for some reason stopped beating. This image is one that has yet to leave my memory, and somehow I must get through Mondays ultrasound. I am trying to convinve myself that this is a new hospital, new nurses, new doctors and a new ultrasound technician...A clean slate, a fresh start. However...nothing is helping.

This pregnancy has come as a big surprise, and truthfully, the pain in my heart from my previous miscarriages have not healed. I have been soul searching for almost a year on decisions leading up to this. I always questioned myself on whether I wanted another baby, or if I wanted to adopt...if I was done having children, and content with God blessing me with two wonderful little girls. Deep down, I always knew, I wanted one more...

Three days to go....