Bed Rest

I am ending my 30th week of pregnancy.

For the last several days I have noticed I have been getting braxton hicks a little more frequent, I have been expereincing an agonizing pain in my abdomen, and I just have not felt well. I have suspected it is fatigue, adjusting to Jims new schedule and being alone with the girls more, along with trying to continue working. I went back to work last week as I felt it was better for me. No lifting, climbing stairs ect..I could actually relax at work and have those eight hours to sit. With my pelvis issues, this was better on me and the baby...

last night at 5:00 a.m., I was wakened by pain going through my stomach and around my back. I took two tylenol, but could not get comfortable the rest of the evening...I woke up went to work, and throughout the day I consistently felt this stabbing and felt a migraine in the works....Stress? Fatigue? the pressure of trying to get all of my holiday shopping done? I had no idea what was going on..I had to stop at Target on my way home, and it was then that I almost burst into tears at the pain I was having..I called the doctor.

It appears I have begun to dialate, I am at 1 centimeter. Although the monitor picked up mild contractions I was able to go home, on bedrest..30 weeks is no time to have a baby...Traces of protein were found in my urine along with 3 seperate blood pressure readings of 140/80 which is high...If my contractions become more frequent, and I continue to dialate I will have to spend some time in the hospital, which we all know I have no time for..We also know with two small children at home and a husband who works full time and sleeps during the day, rest is going to be a chore as well. However, something has to give so I can protect this little baby...

Bedrest...hmmm

The Meaning of the babys name:

Young fighter who is like God

LOVE THIS, Thanks Leigh!

Shifted Pelvis

HOLY CRAP!

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with this condition, very common during pregnancy. I have been home resting and seeking relief through occupational therapy as well as prenatal massage. Last night I was feeling very good, better then I have in weeks and so..I used poor judgement. I moved furniture to get room for my Christmas decorations, I took the kids to their cousins basketball game and today I attempted to put up my Christmas decorations. BIG MISTAKE.

Around 1:00 p.m. my body gave out. For hours I screeched in pain, could not care for the girls and relied on Jim more then ever. For hours I cried when I tried to walk, roll over, sit, stand..anything that relied moving my lower extremities. This is the worst pain I have ever felt, well aside from labor pain. Finally at 9:00 pm, Jim called my doctor. Of course we did not tell them about my poor judgement, just stated that I was a little more active then I have been in weeks..They prescribed vicodin, and rest. No more activities or lifting for 24 hours at least.

As nervous and unwilling as I was to take the medication, I did..I am hoping to be able to sleep..We will see...

Agh..the joys of the third trimester ...

28 weeks

Wow...I cannot believe I have made it this far with very few setbacks!

For the most part I feel amazing! This little guy makes me smile everyday. He is very, very active. I love this beacuse I never have to worry if he is doing O.K. I am beginning to think that God has had a very big role the past seven months in keeping my mind at ease. I truly believe that all of the kicks and pokes is my gift from above. He is telling me everything is going to be O.K....
There has not been one appointment where his heartbeat has been under 160 beats a minute! So much for a high heartbeat to be a sign of a girl!! Three ultrasounds has confirmed, a penis!

My belly is measuring much larger then it should. My gestational diabetes test was negative, so I am pleased...My doctors have told me on several occassions that this baby is going to be a big baby. I also think that the more pregnancies you have the bigger the belly gets! I have gained 18 pounds which my doctors say is very good, although we all know that at this point of my pregnancy, the weight begins to pile on. I am O.K. with it though...I am enjoying every part of this pregnancy!

Just last week the Linea Nigra appeared on my belly..I screamed in joy as I was worried that I have not had it as of yet. I had this with me for seven months after Emsley was born, and cried the day it disappeared. This was the last thing that keeps you and your baby physically intwined...

How easily you forget...

Here I am..only six months pregnant and lately I have found myself complaining..
I have been exhausted, so I constantly wish for more sleep...I find it difficult to find clothing that suits me, my growing body, and pieces that I like..I find myself frustrated most mornings...my legs and feet are killing me by mid-afternnon and I find myself wishing I did not have so many obligations to fulfill...I can go on and on..and yet this morning I woke up remembering where I was a year ago...

As I was brushing my teeth, I observed hanging on my mirror my Marc Jacobs "I love you" necklace. I had purchased this necklace last year in memory of my "Ten". It was at this moment I remembered where I was a year ago today..I was in the hospital grieving and wishing I could be with Olyvia on her birthday.

I find it odd how easily I have forgotten the feeling of "loss" and the sadness that broke my heart through every "disappointment". I forgot how many prayers were sent up to Heaven wishing for Emsley and praying she would be O.K.

I am embarrassed now to admit that I wish I could sleep a few more hours, or wishing I had more time for myself..I forget that for three long years I waited for my sweet "Olyvia"...

Though a tuff road I have walked, God has blessed me with more then I have prayed for. The gift of life in two amazing ways, the joy of motherhood, a "friend" for a husband and a life I never thought I would have. My complaints I am sure will never fully go away, but I hope that before I speak in any negative manner, I stop and think what I have lost and remember what I have gained.

And so it begins...

And so it begins, a little bit of everything all at once.

I am exhausted, not tired..exhausted..As any women in my shoes feels, caring for two small children and almost six months pregnant while working, well...this can really take alot out of you. There are nights when I literally cannot lift my arms or get myself to the bedroom. Where I land is where I remain for the evening..A few minor ailments have also surfaced. For one, my legs and feet go numb regurarly. If I sit too long, if I am on my feet too long, if I cross my legs, no matter what position I am in a tingling sensation comes first followed by pins and needles all the way down to my feet...Every step is also a little more painful as the baby is sitting very low. With all of this, I think back to the day we found out I was expecting, the first time I saw my baby, and the daily ritual of listening to such a sweet heartbeat..

I smile.

To keep me motivated I shop..I have already purchased the bedding, diaper stacker, mobile and pillows...you can take a peek here:
I envisison painting the top half of the walls a greyish blue and the bottom half a brown...Oh, I cannot wait to begin the nursery! I have also bought sleepers, blankets, his coming home outfit and a few odds and ends...shopping for a baby boy isn't that bad at all...

So it begins...the pregnancy aches and pains...the joy of the first purchases...and the never ending ache in my heart to hold this precious baby....

Two girls and a BOY!

Overjoyed! Thrilled! Nervous!

For the last several weeks I have found it difficult to write. My feelings and anxieties have been all over the place. I found my mind so blocked that I simply could not find the words to write. As you can tell from my blogs their has never been a time I could not find the words to express my feelings, especially when it comes to my children. However, I suspect "fear" was overpowering my sense of "trust" and "faith"...

Today all of this disappeared.

I kindly informed the Ultrasound Tech, who had read my medical history beforehand and was very sympathectic, that I could not look at the screen until she gave me the O.K..I needed to know this little person I have fell in love with was still my "little person". I needed to know when she saw the pulsing beat of a heart...

............."And there is the heartbeat Jennifer".....

Tears of relief..happiness...

The brain...perfect, the heart...perfect, the hands, feet, lips and ears, perfect! And then at a an angle looking up from the baby's bottom...A scrotum and a penis!!

IT"S A BOY!

At this very moment Jim fell apart, and his overly evident emotions made me aware of how this one question that has been lingering in our minds, boy or girl, was weighing on him so deeply...I gave him a kiss, and together we sobbed..

Our family is complete...

I wish I could explain....

Timing...

Many have now found out that I am expecting again. For months I have tried to hide my growing "bump", but their is no more hiding...Just this past week I have had the questions.."I thought you could never get pregnant".. "Aren't you nervous after all you have been through".."Why would you put yourself through this again"... I never know how to respond to this...

What I can tell you is what I have learned and what I believe.

Timing.

After three fertility specialists, three of the same diagnosis, getting pregnant was not an option for Jim and I. My diagnosis was not the easy to fix, ovulation matters, or follicle growth. Our result was more serious, and the chances we were given were 1 in a million. We were told we had two options, donor or adoption. For a little while my sister Carla considered assisting us, but I think for all of us this may have been a little hard...In the end we chose adoption.
Before our decision, and even after we suffered many losses. I think I have become much more stronger from all of this, that or one day this will all surface for me. I hope I grew stronger and learned how to "deal" with the heartache, it actually became almost normal...Strange.

What I believe now is that fate is in the hands of God, and really it angers me that I was told "Never" and it saddens me that millions of other women will be told the same thing. There is no such thing as never, I am living proof..Our lives are in the hands of God, and when we are meant to have children we will, and if we are never meant to have children, we will not..This decision cannot come from Science, it only comes from faith, and believing that someone "higher" has your best interest in hand..Your prayers will be heard, when it is your TIME...

I cannot explain Emma, or this miracle in my belly...I can only thank God for giving me this opportunity..I no longer look back and search for the answers I so desperately tried to find...In the end, all of my prayers were answered.... it just took a few heartaches to get here...

I wish I could explain it better...for now, this will have to do in answer to all of those questions I have been asked...

Prayer, Faith and Timing...

I felt the baby!!

On Friday September 4th I thought I felt the first little movements of the baby...Ever since, I have felt the flutters of my baby often...There is nothing about pregnancy that can beat feeling the first movements of life inside you!

This is so real!!

So far so good...

Wow..At this point in my pregnancy with Emma I was already placed on bed rest. I am really enjoying this pregnancy...what a surprise!! We told the girls that there is a baby in Mommy's belly and now Emma and Livy give my belly kisses and tickles throughout the day!! So cute!! One of the big highlights of this pregnancy I am enjoying most is my clothing!! Again, with Emma I was mostly in sweatpants and sweatshirts. Shopping for my new wardrobe has been very exciting and I love wearing fitted shirts that show off my baby bump...

I have had no intuitions on the sex of this baby...but we have decided to find out the sex...Only a few more weeks until this is revealed..O-M-G!!

Cravings? None...

Eating!

That is right..finally I can eat!!

It was not to long ago where everything seemed to make me sick, even water...The last few days I have been enjoying my food...I never knew food tasted so good!! Crazy? No, I think I am just appreciating every bite of every food and actually loving it!!! It is a nice feeling as my pregnancy with Emma was so hard on me, and right now I am loving being pregnant!

I took a nice long walk with the girls yesterday and even made a stop at Starbucks and the park!! My belly is finally a "baby bump" and no longer looks as if I have just eaten to many cheeseburgers!! I am still in my pre-pregnancy pants, but my shirts, yeah-not so much!

So far so good..

This is nice...

First photo shoot

There is nothing better then seeing a normal, healthy ultrasound photo of your child. NOTHING. The above photos were taken last week, and it has taken me a few days to digest everything. This was the second ultrasound we have seen of "baby 3" but as you can tell,we can finally see the making of a baby, and oh my...what a relief!

These photos make me smile. They give me comfort, relief. I am beginning to feel this was meant to be, everything. It looks like my life story iis getting another chapter, and I am ready to begin the journey.

How exciting!

Second Trimester

Agh...I can Breathe...Finally.

I ended my first trimester with a very healthy and promising ultrasound last week.

I was so nervous entering into this that I was literally sick the entire morning. I actually contemplated cancelling and waiting a bit. However, we followed through and OMG! Immediately we witnessed a quite large baby dancing around in my belly..kicking and stretching his/her arms and playing peek a boo with us. The ultrasound tech, fully aware of my past printed several pictures of the "not so camera shy" baby for me to smile over..over and over...

I felt relief exiting my appointment that followed my ultrasound. So far, things are looking good. As excited as I am beginning to feel, I am trying not to get overly excited as my fear of what could happen is still lingering in the back of my head. However, I do find myself smiling a bit more these days....

My belly has begun to show the signs of an expecting mother...We have only told immediate family and a few close friendss at the moment, so hiding this pergnancy may not be an option in the coming days. I had to go and buy a few pieces of clothing to hold me over a bit, as my shirts are snug, and my pants? Yeah, those do not button anymore!

Baby steps..every day I tell myself one step at a time....

"Can you hear the heartbeat"???

So as I have blogged previously, I rented a heartbeat doppler. Olyvia caught me listening to the babies heartbeat the other night, and well....every night she asks me, "Mommy can we listen to the heartbeat"?? We have decided not to tell the girls about the baby just yet, so she just thinks we are listening to our own heartbeats...

I was able to capture a few of these moments on camera...

TOOO cute!!

Heart Beat Doppler

RENTED.

To ease my mind I have rented a Fetal Heart Beat Doppler...The past two nights I have listened to the babys heartbeat and fell asleep happy and peaceful...There is nothing like the sounds of your babies hertbeat....

Just needed to write...

My evenings have been pretty low key lately. My energy level is at an all time low, and I am still very sick. Once I put the girls down for the evening, I treat myself to a cup of aveda tea and, well..worry...I worry about this baby and its health, I worry about how we will fit another child into this house, and of course I worry as I have given all of my baby items away, and here we go again...Mostly, I worry on how Olyvia and Emsley will adjust to another child. I am so frightened that I will not be able to share enough one on one time with each of my children...Agh..It is in my blood, I am a worrier...
I had a check up this morning, and so far things look pretty good..The babies heart-beat is very strong, and my uterus is growing as it should. I have lost a few pounds, as food is just revolting at the moment..Although this all sounds fabulous, we all know that at any moment this can all go away..so I continue to remain cautious and hesitant with any form of excitement...
I cry at just about anything lately. For instance the girls and I made a trip to Michaels in search of our new "Project"..They picked out fans that needed to be painted...Well, after we completed our project, I was so amazed at how creative my little girls are, I just balled..Now, even I can admit, that is a little over the top...
Perhaps this evening as I am sipping away at my tea I will try my hardest to enjoy the fact that for today, my baby is thriving, and all is good...

Sick

Sick. Nautious. Dizzy.

All of the above have hit hard this past week. As I try and embrace all of these less attractive pregnancy symptoms, I struggle. Water makes me sick, the smell and taste of coffee makes me sick. Chicken, AGH, I cannot even begin to tell you what chicken is doing to me.

Nine weeks..please be better!

Bitter sweet

7 weeks.

I had my ultrasound yesterday.I was nervous, Jim was nervous. Here we go again...As the warm gel was placed over my belly Jim took my hand, and together we watched...and quietly I prayed. At first I lay there holding my breath until I saw the placenta, and FINALLY, I saw a twitter.."There is the heartbeat", the tech expalined..Agh.relief..The baby also measured perfectly, easing my mind at least for today.

After, we met with the maternal fetal specialist and together we went over my history, disecting every detail, and not leaving one rock unturned. We were given many different scenerios, but were told at this point, prayer...all we have is prayer. I will be monitored closely with more detailed ultrasounds coming up. An entire blood workup was ordered, including a genetic test that Jim also had to take. Now, we wait..and pray.

We were also told the results of the biopsy from #10. I had never seeked out the reason, as I guess I just never wanted to know. Today, I had no choice, she told me without warning, downs syndrome...the baby had downs syndrome. A miscarriage ending due to DS is very common and results 1 out of every 10 miscarriages in the U.S., with my history and number of pregnancies, I was told statistically it does not come as a surprise. So. what about this baby...This does not raise my chances at all of this baby having DS, however it raises concern, so we will undertake testing for DS in the coming weeks...

I am relieved to hear an expalnation for my loss, sad? Of course.

Overall, this appointment was bittersweet...

Trying not to, but....

I keep looking back. Bad move I know, and as much as I try to think happy thoughts, my mind immediately goes to the past....With my upcoming ultrasound, my nights have been restless and I find myself trying to predict the outcome. Will I look at the screen? Do I look at the screen? Do I go, should I reschedule?? As most of you know, the last time I eagerly went for an ultrasound, my heart was broken...At 13 1/2 weeks, Jim and I went for our third ultrasound during my 10th pregnancy, and it is then we witnessed a lifeless soul...A tiny heart that for some reason stopped beating. This image is one that has yet to leave my memory, and somehow I must get through Mondays ultrasound. I am trying to convinve myself that this is a new hospital, new nurses, new doctors and a new ultrasound technician...A clean slate, a fresh start. However...nothing is helping.

This pregnancy has come as a big surprise, and truthfully, the pain in my heart from my previous miscarriages have not healed. I have been soul searching for almost a year on decisions leading up to this. I always questioned myself on whether I wanted another baby, or if I wanted to adopt...if I was done having children, and content with God blessing me with two wonderful little girls. Deep down, I always knew, I wanted one more...

Three days to go....

Six weeks

FRANTIC.

Today I am six weeks pregnant and I could not be more nervous. My first ultrasound is not until Monday, so given my history..I am a wreck...I tell myself over and over that the fate of this child is in the hands of God, and I must have faith that he is watching over this tiny soul. Still, I find myself nervous most of the time...

I have not really begun to get nautious yet, a little dizzy is all...Again, this worries me as morning sickness is such a great sign that all is well with the pregnancy. Still, I am very early andmorning sickness tends to hit around 6-7 weeks...

I feel sorry for Livy and Emma as my energy levels have been so low. I feel as if I am not playing with them as much as I was a few weeks ago, and this heat is just killing me...This too will pass....

5 weeks

35 weeks to go...

My nerves are only getting worse as every day passes. The only comforting news has been that my HCG levels have tripled! (46-126-900) As any woman who has had trouble conceiving knows, HCG levels need to double every 48 hours. As exciting as this is, I cannot forget the past and the problems I encountered...Each pregnancy I have had my HCG levels were going strong this early on. My last pregnancy ended last October at 14 weeks...That day is still so vivid in my memory. Prayer...at this point, all I have is prayer.

I go every two days to have my blood taken. Yesterday I had my first OB appointment. This appointment did nothing more then reassure me that I would be monitored very closely and to confirm, that at this early stage the pregnancy was thriving. I have appointments with a Perinatologist at Northwestern Hospital the 29th (my first ultrasound) and the 30th of June. Luckily I was accepted into their "High Risk" group and will begin seeing them throughout this pregnancy. This group is said to be the BEST in the Midwest, so I can only hope they will be able to see me through a helathy pregnancy and ultimately deliver a healthy baby...

Today began the first day of nausea, and of course I am exhausted. I welcome the nausea do not get me wrong, as this is my indicator that all is well in my belly!! I could go without the exhaustion, as Olyvia and Emsley have packed days throughout the summer...To read more about the Big Sister's, please click here, http://therylefamily.blogspot.com/

Shocked! Surprised! Nervous! Scared!

February 14th, 2010.

The above date is an estimate of when I am due to give birth to our unborn child. I guess I have known for a few days. This is pregnancy #11, and well, I have come to know my body quite well. The news is shocking, and I cried. I cried and cried. I was scheduled to have gallbladder surgery next week and at my post-op appointment this afternoon, a "+" pregnancy test changed everything. Silence. I heard nothing after I heard "Positive"....

I guess I have mixed emotions right now. My fear is overwhelming. Every disappointment I had in the past is is rushing back instantly, and I am scared. I am really scared. I desperatley want to smile, scream out in joy, thank God for this blessing, but I am hesitant....I am so incredibly scared.

June 6th, 2007..the day that changed my life forever. We were able to see a picture of Olyvia for the very first time, it was also the morning we found out I was pregnant with Emsley...Now, June 11th, 2009...I am pregnant with their sibling with a birthdate so close to Emsley's...Yes, this baby is due the SAME day Emsley was due...Valentines Day!!!Fate? Oh..here I go again, looking for signs, hoping, wondering..all of those emotions that go with my roller coaster ride.

Baby steps..One tiny step at a time...I have to have faith that God will see me through this pregnancy, and watch over this precious baby... Prayer..I need lots of prayers...

Today will begin my memoir on "Expecting the Unexpected"....I will journal every ache and pain..I will whole heartedly express my fears, concerns, hopes and desires...I will journal every step this pregnancy takes me, and pray that in the end I can show off my final miracle baby....

Please Lord...